Post Jokes Instead :)

[rcbrookey]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent".

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly."

"Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.:l ol:

[XTREME RC]

There was a boat stranded in the deep sea in the middle of nowhere. Their were 9 men and 1 lady aboard. They radioed for help. Soon a rescue helicopter arrived, they lowered a rope down and told everyone to start climbing...so they did

As the helicopter started to move with all 10 passenger hanging on to the rope, it started to have trouble moving. The pilot shouted down that they were too heavy and that one person would have to let go. They all started arguing and after many minutes the lady said that she would let go. At that point all the men started to applaud her!

[VintageRacer]

A large group of revellers were gathered around a table in Fred's local pub, watching something that was obviously fascinating. Keen to find out what was causing the commotion, Fred decided to go over and take a look.

On the table was a man no bigger than a foot tall, playing a miniature piano, whilst the appreciative onlookers threw coins into a pint pot held by what appeared to the tiny man's agent.

"That's amazing" though Fred and enquired to the agent where he discovered such a talented and unusual act.

"I was visited by a genie who granted me one wish, I got if from him"
Thinking this was quite an unusual thing to ask for, Fred then asked, "And what made you wish for that?"
The agent responded quite angrily, "You pillock, do you really think I wished for a 12" Pianist?"

[Lee]

An Eskimo is driving through wales when his car breaks down, he manages to get it to a garage so the mechanic can have a look at it, the mechanic says to him "you have blown a seal"

the Eskimo says "so what you shag sheep"

[Southwell]

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

[stegger]

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'


So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.


Male readers :
Please scroll down.


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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

[Lee]

That is ace

[bigred5765]

thats class

[rcracer]

Brill

[turbo_brick]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floorian
the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.




"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:




Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.




"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"




Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Tom3012]

Why is it a shame when 3 chavs in a nova go over a cliff?

Nova has 4 seats




A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'

[b4rs]

a packet of ham waks into his local.

he asks for 1/2 a pint of guiness.

to which the bartender replies

"sorry mate, we dont serve food"

[b4rs]

one of my favourites

An enlgish man, irishman and scotsman walk into a pub.

to which the barman asks "is this a joke?"

[b4rs]

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
"No, it kills them" was the reply.

[Lee]

Prince Harry has been on the front line for 3 months without anyone noticing.

Michael owen`s response on a local radio station was

"i know how he feels"






Michael Owen has beaten David Blaine`s record


for doing F**k all in a box for 6months

[stegger]

Originally Posted by Lee

Prince Harry has been on the front line for 3 months without anyone noticing.

Michael owen`s response on a local radio station was

"i know how he feels"






Michael Owen has beaten David Blaine`s record


for doing F**k all in a box for 6months

Just like tomorrow when torres gets another hattrick

[stegger]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

[stegger]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

[ashleyb4]

A man walks into a bar and he meets a chinese lady she says oh im so h*rny i will do anything for you the man replies how about a 69. If you think im cooking you egg foo yung at this time of night you f*cking joking.

A