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[Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd]

Nightmare week. First off, I have had to do 900 motorway miles in the worst weather imaginable. No problems, until I go to clear the windscreen. Bollocks. No water atall. " must be empty or frozen" I think, and pull into services. Plenty of liquid water inside, hmmmmm. Decide to ignore it and carry on driving. Big mistake. 3 miles further I actually cannot see a thing thanks to a mixture of snow/grit/un-named black crap plastered on my screen. I resort to holding my head out the passenger window like a dog, in order to see. Manage to get the same mixture plastered over my face. Decide to get to the next services, and fix the goddam washers.

Off come the hoses. Blow through them, all seems fine. Dammit. Next I test the pump. Again working fine. Well why in the hell is it not coming out? I decide to search for a brick to put through the windscreen so I can just see, but decided it was waaaaay too cold for that. Ok so it must be the actual tank?!? Unlikely but there is nothing else. I peek inside and it looks fine. Off comes the pump, and the little rubber filter between it and the tank. Bingo. It looked like someone had jizzed in my tank. White jism-like substance all over the filter. Cleaned it off, washers work fine. God I am a genius!

Drive off back on the m1 feeling smug and warm inside. few miles down, windscreen filthy again, hit the washers...........bollocks. Its all jizzed-up again. Right. Screaming off the next services, swearing, cursing the car, damning whoever jizzed in my washer tank in front of earshot of some very astonsihed motorists. Pull the filter of and sure as day follows night, jizz all over my filter. Decide to remove the offending jizz-filled tank and clean it out at the water pump. Easy enough right? Wrong. It would've been easier to go in to the services and got a handjob off a talk Swede called Boris.

I decide to clean the tank out in-situ, and drive over to the water station still cursing the phantom jizzer. Pull all the pipes off and grab the water hose. God damn winter! Out of order, frozen solid. Bonnet down, window down, head out and another 15 miles of motorway driving. Next services, water frozen. Drastic action is needed here......

Then it came to me. Think outside the box. The problem is the tank. Ill just get another tank! Off I trot into the station, with my jizz-covered filter and pump nozzle in hand, still cursing. I offer it up in front of some bemused staff, to all the bottles in their fridge display. I found that Vittel water seems closest. and buy a couple. I reamed the drinks spout out to snugly fit against the filter nozzle, and rammed it in with a psychotic grin on my face, still complaining about jism.

I created a bottle sized gap under my bonnet, rammed the new "tank" into place upside down so gravity aided the jis-infested pump, and slammed the bonnet. Et voila! The poshest window washers on the m1! I am so happy with my modification that I am going to leave it there.

Here are some pics of my amazing handywork for anyone that is actually bored enough to still be reading this far.

My day did get worse though, my back box fell off 60 miles from home, but that was beyond a bottle of vittel so just got chucked in the boot.
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MERCEDES-BENZ OM617 ENGINE HISTORY