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[Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd]

I thought I would share my traumatising experience with you all, from my cycle ride into work this morning. I cycle daily through Nottingham city centre, on my road bike. This morning I started my commute as every other morning, not aware that my life was soon to change forever.......

I was approaching the local school, on a very steep downhill main road, and could see some kids in the bus stop as is usual at that time of day. Now this is a particularly long hill, descending into the city centre and it is not uncommon for me to be nudging 30mph coming down there most mornings. This morning was no different.

I am now nearly level with the bus stop and can see the kids are feeding a group of seagulls with crisps, about 6 of them. Upon hearing me approach the gulls took flight, at about 45 degrees, into my path. The next thing I know, it feels like someone has punched me in the gut as hard as possible then tried to tickle my nose with a feather duster. One of the flying rats had hit me square on at about 30mph.

It instantly tried to fly, outstretching it's wings, which made things worse. One wing came off instantly, like a kite with the string cut. The bird then dropped down into the rear wheel spokes. Meanwhile my foot has become unclipped from my stupid SPD pedals, and I am now on the crossbar, still doing 25 ish, left foot dragging under the bike, nuts feel like they are exploding, tank slaping down the road with a face full of feathers. The second wing is now stuck between my leg and the crossbar, tickling my face.

The main bit of the gull has now met my spokes, and the top half is instantly decapitated. The Body is now wedged in the centre just next to my hub, and is going round in circles with the wheel. I can hear the kids in the bus stop screaming , as the white blob in the middle of my wheel gets faster and faster, like a feathery catherine wheel. Then centrifugal force does it's job and out it pops at mach 3. I manage to regain my posture, remove the lone wing from beneath my leg, looking back at the carnage behind, realising my feathered nemesis is not alive I decided to carry on, quickly.

There are feathers everywhere, seagull bits splattered all over my chainstays and seat tube, legs arms and face. And still another 20 miles to go.........

Needless to say I have had a bad day today. All day the sound of it has traumatised me. Plus I had to clean my bike after. Two things amazed me though.....

1) after continuing my commute for appprox another 20 miles there was still a lone feather stuck in the spokes

2) What the hell is seagull doing in Nottingham city centre? I sense a distinct lack of sea......

I don't want to cycle in tomorrow incase some incensed seagull-loving public are lying in wait for me....
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