Go

[Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd]

Nightmare week. First off, I have had to do 900 motorway miles in the worst weather imaginable. No problems, until I go to clear the windscreen. Bollocks. No water atall. " must be empty or frozen" I think, and pull into services. Plenty of liquid water inside, hmmmmm. Decide to ignore it and carry on driving. Big mistake. 3 miles further I actually cannot see a thing thanks to a mixture of snow/grit/un-named black crap plastered on my screen. I resort to holding my head out the passenger window like a dog, in order to see. Manage to get the same mixture plastered over my face. Decide to get to the next services, and fix the goddam washers.

Off come the hoses. Blow through them, all seems fine. Dammit. Next I test the pump. Again working fine. Well why in the hell is it not coming out? I decide to search for a brick to put through the windscreen so I can just see, but decided it was waaaaay too cold for that. Ok so it must be the actual tank?!? Unlikely but there is nothing else. I peek inside and it looks fine. Off comes the pump, and the little rubber filter between it and the tank. Bingo. It looked like someone had jizzed in my tank. White jism-like substance all over the filter. Cleaned it off, washers work fine. God I am a genius!

Drive off back on the m1 feeling smug and warm inside. few miles down, windscreen filthy again, hit the washers...........bollocks. Its all jizzed-up again. Right. Screaming off the next services, swearing, cursing the car, damning whoever jizzed in my washer tank in front of earshot of some very astonsihed motorists. Pull the filter of and sure as day follows night, jizz all over my filter. Decide to remove the offending jizz-filled tank and clean it out at the water pump. Easy enough right? Wrong. It would've been easier to go in to the services and got a handjob off a talk Swede called Boris.

I decide to clean the tank out in-situ, and drive over to the water station still cursing the phantom jizzer. Pull all the pipes off and grab the water hose. God damn winter! Out of order, frozen solid. Bonnet down, window down, head out and another 15 miles of motorway driving. Next services, water frozen. Drastic action is needed here......

Then it came to me. Think outside the box. The problem is the tank. Ill just get another tank! Off I trot into the station, with my jizz-covered filter and pump nozzle in hand, still cursing. I offer it up in front of some bemused staff, to all the bottles in their fridge display. I found that Vittel water seems closest. and buy a couple. I reamed the drinks spout out to snugly fit against the filter nozzle, and rammed it in with a psychotic grin on my face, still complaining about jism.

I created a bottle sized gap under my bonnet, rammed the new "tank" into place upside down so gravity aided the jis-infested pump, and slammed the bonnet. Et voila! The poshest window washers on the m1! I am so happy with my modification that I am going to leave it there.

Here are some pics of my amazing handywork for anyone that is actually bored enough to still be reading this far.

My day did get worse though, my back box fell off 60 miles from home, but that was beyond a bottle of vittel so just got chucked in the boot.
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MERCEDES-BENZ OM617 ENGINE HISTORY

[savageman25]

not a vauxhall of some sort is it?

[plod]

Jizz in your tank

I can sympathise.

Was out in lorry yesterday, and the last person to drive it filled the washer bottle with pure water. No prizes for guessing it had frozen solid.
Drove around for 3 hours with very little visability, and at a customers, put 4 litres of hot water into the system. Still took another 1.5 hours for it to clear though

[Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd]

yep, vauxhall alright.
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CROSMAN PLASTIC AIRSOFT 0 12G ORANGE

[Welshy40]

I can beat that, left Woking in Surrey got into the fast lane on M25 and booted it in sixth gear in my TT, got onto the A2 and also booted it until i got to the Blackwall Tunnel where twenty yards from the first turn off to get me to Canary Wharf for new years eve at 16:15 my clutch pedal decided to follow gavity and stay attached to the floor footwell so managed to force it into second until i hit traffic lights. I then had a tow firm arrive to tow me two hundred yards down the road as the police decided I had broken down in a dangerous place. Once the guy moved me down the road he buggered off. It took three and a half hours for the AA to arrive and tow me to my destination.

Great fun, I should have told my old man not to drive my XJR as if he didnt he wouldnt have written it off. Great Fun!!!

[Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd]

That is unlucky. Could have been worse though, someone could've jizzed in your washer tank!? On a serious note though, why is it old cars can be started in gear? I once snapped a clutch cable on a fiat panda many moons ago, and simply started it in first, built up speed, then crunched it onto 2nd, 3rd etc. Managed to get from MK to aylesbury using that method. When the clutch went in the trusty focus (Fix Or Repair Daily) it has some kind of failsafe that prevented this. rubbish.
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SUZUKI GT SERIES SPECIFICATIONS

[plod]

I'm a courier, and when I first started, I did a job down to central london in a pug 205 van.
Clutch cable snapped coming down the edgeware road, so managed to get it into side street and carry the parcel on the tube to destination.
Got back to van and rang the AA who said it would be 2 hours to get recovered, so started it in gear, and managed to drive it the 100 miles back to Hinckley.

[bodgit]

Must have been a day for things to go wrong. I got upat 4am to drive to cardiff to fetch my lad from uni. 28 miles into the trip with the water jets frozen so no water would come out with the screen covered in same crap as above posts both my dipped beams decided to blow at the same time.
Freezing fog is drifting all over the road, all I,ve got is fog lamps or full beam which is crap in fog and can barely see out of the screen.
Eventually i get to cardiff in daylight not being spotted by the police.
We defrost the jets and clean the screen, cant fix the bulbs as in the c max the whole headlamp unit has to come out to change the bulbs and I did,nt have the tools. Off we set towards Birmingham to collect his mr2 gts turbo which we had in Rogue motors to rebuild the motor to get it up to 400bhp. Few proplems with the gearbox speedo sensor delayed our return. I forgot about the headlights untill I came to swith them on. and had to drive home in with just foglamps again, which now there was no fog were useless. Again Luckily the cops missed me so I did,nt get done.

[Welshy40]

Originally Posted by Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd

That is unlucky. Could have been worse though, someone could've jizzed in your washer tank!? On a serious note though, why is it old cars can be started in gear? I once snapped a clutch cable on a fiat panda many moons ago, and simply started it in first, built up speed, then crunched it onto 2nd, 3rd etc. Managed to get from MK to aylesbury using that method. When the clutch went in the trusty focus (Fix Or Repair Daily) it has some kind of failsafe that prevented this. rubbish.

Thats an easy one. Your car had a clutch cable and no hydraulic clutch so yes you can force it into gear when stationary unlike my car which you cant do when its stopped. Worst of all Audi are shut until the 29th in Canary Wharf and Surrey so im stuck here longer than id planned for.

[reg]

im going with Rob to belgum

[antnee]

At least your bottle is easy to get to!! On mine (and the fabia and polo of same age) the bottle is tucked down behind the n/s foglight!! Would be a bumper off job!

[plod]

Mine's in the bloody front wheel arch

[mark christopher]

Originally Posted by Captain-Codpiece-The-2nd

That is unlucky. Could have been worse though, someone could've jizzed in your washer tank!? On a serious note though, why is it old cars can be started in gear? I once snapped a clutch cable on a fiat panda many moons ago, and simply started it in first, built up speed, then crunched it onto 2nd, 3rd etc. Managed to get from MK to aylesbury using that method. When the clutch went in the trusty focus (Fix Or Repair Daily) it has some kind of failsafe that prevented this. rubbish.

Originally Posted by Welshy40

Thats an easy one. Your car had a clutch cable and no hydraulic clutch so yes you can force it into gear when stationary unlike my car which you cant do when its stopped. Worst of all Audi are shut until the 29th in Canary Wharf and Surrey so im stuck here longer than id planned for.

no they dont nothing to do with the clutch or hydralics, you just have to know how to drive with no clutch!

[fidspeed]

clutches who needs em! back in thegood old days (early 80s) my rs2000 proper Escort snapped a cable think it was 3 weeks before i could be arsed to replace it all a matter or revs and timing to change gear (although traffic lights were always fun) did try same on a mini(hydraulic operation) and promptly shagged the gearbox
back to jizz in the washer tank i wonder if its a by product of the screen wash additive cos my picasso does it to ??
no doubt a chemical engineer will come along and reveal all

Dave

[wylie]

What difference does it make if it's fluid or cable clutch? it wont go in gear either way. you have to turn engine off put in 1st gear and start engine and off you go, if you youngsters had drove a vehicle with a crash box you'd know how to drive without a clutch

[MALLET]

This is a proper 'Team Shambles Job'.

You could have saved yourself all that stress, and bought a bottle or 2 of water and just squirted it out of the window onto the screen.

Or even better, get a bottle of water to clean your screen first at the garage and then fill the water bottle with screen wash as that has a lower freezing point than water JD

''Up here for dancing and down there for thinking'' ''Or is it the other way around???''

[MALLET]

Originally Posted by wylie

What difference does it make if it's fluid or cable clutch? it wont go in gear either way. you have to turn engine off put in 1st gear and start engine and off you go, if you youngsters had drove a vehicle with a crash box you'd know how to drive without a clutch

Wylie, they've never been in a proper series 1 landy or a 1912 Rolls Royce

[Welshy40]

Originally Posted by wylie

What difference does it make if it's fluid or cable clutch? it wont go in gear either way. you have to turn engine off put in 1st gear and start engine and off you go, if you youngsters had drove a vehicle with a crash box you'd know how to drive without a clutch

You can come and try and get it into first or second if you like but im no weakling and still wont go into gear even without the engine being on.

Hydraulics do cause some issues such as this. I cant be bothered with taking the strut, coolant, heat housing, connectors, foot pedal (which may have snapped somewhere) and hydralic system out and fixing so simpler to pay Audi to do it. Im no slouch with real cars, just getting on a bit and cant be bothered any more.

Ive been in a 1927 tq lap record holder at lemans Bentley that was driven and still privately owned and used for lemans. Great car thats still out classes newer cars for reliability.

Your in my good books though as you say im a youngster. Cheers for that, you have made my day.

[wylie]

Learnt to drive a Leyland PD3 bus and it had no synchro on first to second so had to doube clutch makeing sure revs were spot on for a nice slick change, hill starts were always interesting as you had to go from first to second without using clutch just snatch straight in.
Have you tried rocking car whilst trying to engage first?
sorry about the youngster did'nt realise you were an old git

[Welshy40]

Apologies are not required as it was nice. I no longer feel as young as twenty as i no longer pull twenty year olds as im married. Gutted. But this car is really weird. Maybe got something to do with it being used as a track car which i now use on the road, but engine has been worked on as well as shocks and brakes. I have a few ideas on why but as i cant be bothered to take the transmission apart i will get Audi to confirm whats wrong, that is when they can do it.

Pointless rocking it as itll hardly move. First thing i thought of doing. Blimey ive been driving for almost twenty years. Im getting past my sell by date.