Here's some more:
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
I bumped into an old friend the other day.
He's got poor eyesight as well!
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Moon, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
Feed back please, what do you think? 
Love you all, Alan