Your iron will transfer the heat properley if you tin the tip a second or so before you use it. When people say wet they mean the solder is liquid.
Clean the tip before every new joint. Wipe on a damp sponge or damp cloth and then re-tin the tip just as you are about to use it.
You are having trouble desoldering the wires on the pcb because they are made to dissapate heat and all that is happening is as you touch the iron on the joint all the heat is being drawn away. You will need a proffesional iron to do this.
The iron i use is about 200 quids worth with variable temp. Even on max it can take a few seconds for the solder to flow on a esc.
Like you said if you cannot desolder the esc then just extend the wires by joining and then cover with heatshrink.
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