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A few funny things, some may of seen before.....

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags herhusband orboyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to acustomer in Oxford
:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
of theTesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
consideringbanning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husbandstops his antics..

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months allverified by oursurveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them inpeople'strolleys when they weren't looking. (sounds familiar……)

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go offat5-minuteintervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading tofeminineproducts aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialtone, 'Code 3' in housewares...... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpetedarea.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothingdepartment and toldshoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and aCalorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could helphim, hebegan to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave mealone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it asa mirror,picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives intheHousewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressantswere.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudlyhumming theMission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonnalook' usingdifferent size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumedthe foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voicesagain.'

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waiteda while;then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

I understand how scissors can beat paper,
and I get how a rock can beat scissors,
but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock.

Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?

Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?

Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody.

A rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds.
When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh fuck I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you,

You asshole!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bulls**t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karlst (Post 306443)

I understand how scissors can beat paper,
and I get how a rock can beat scissors,
but there's no f******g way paper can beat rock.
You asshole!

Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper:p

Quote:

Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper

^^^ Ha ha ha,tears of laughter here :lol:

love the toilet paper one :thumbsup:

Quote:

Originally Posted by karlst (Post 306443)

Haha Great!:thumbsup:

Quote:

Originally Posted by bodgit (Post 306466)

Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper:p

:o:o Thats gonna hurt for sure!!!:thumbsup: